Gottman Therapy

Healing Your Relationship with John Gottman’s Strategies for Overcoming Contempt

Contempt is a destructive behavior that can have serious consequences for relationships. It is one of the four horsemen identified by relationship expert John Gottman, along with criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Contempt is characterized by a feeling of superiority or disdain towards one’s partner, and it can take many forms, including sarcastic comments, eye-rolling, or sneering.

Contempt is particularly damaging because it attacks the person’s sense of self. It is a form of emotional abuse that can erode trust and connection in a relationship. When one partner feels contemptuous towards the other, it can create a climate of hostility and negativity that is hard to escape.

Gottman’s research has shown that contempt is one of the most predictive behaviors of relationship breakdown. Couples who experience high levels of contempt are more likely to divorce than those who do not. It is therefore crucial to address contempt in a relationship if we want to improve our connection and strengthen our bond.

So how can we overcome contempt in our relationships? One important step is to practice empathy and try to understand our partner’s perspective. When we are able to put ourselves in their shoes, we are less likely to feel contemptuous towards them. It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with our partner, and to address any issues or grievances in a constructive manner.

Another effective technique is to practice gratitude and appreciation towards our partner. When we focus on the positive aspects of our relationship, it becomes harder to feel contemptuous towards them. Finally, it’s important to seek help if we find ourselves struggling to overcome contempt in our relationship. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and guidance in addressing this destructive behavior.

Another way to work on overcoming contempt is to pay attention to our own thought patterns and language. When we find ourselves feeling contemptuous towards our partner, it can be helpful to take a step back and try to understand what is driving those feelings. Are we feeling stressed or overwhelmed? Are we feeling unsupported or undervalued? By identifying the root causes of our contempt, we can work on addressing those issues and finding more constructive ways to cope.

It’s also important to be aware of the impact our words and actions have on our partner. When we speak to our partner with contempt, it can be deeply hurtful and damaging to their self-esteem. By making an effort to speak and behave with kindness and respect, we can create a more positive and supportive environment in our relationship.

Finally, it’s important to recognize that it’s normal to have conflicts and disagreements in any relationship. It’s how we handle those conflicts that matters. By using healthy communication skills and seeking to understand our partner’s perspective, we can work through conflicts in a way that strengthens our bond rather than tearing it apart.

In summary, contempt is a destructive behavior that can harm our relationships. By being aware of our own thought patterns and language, paying attention to the impact of our words and actions, and using healthy communication skills, we can overcome contempt and build stronger, more loving connections with our partners.